Am I the Problem? Yes.
but also the plot
Hey deviant,
It’s me, your local menace, living proof that being the problem is sometimes kind of the point.
Let’s talk about it.
You know that moment when you realize you’ve been hate-reading for sport? When you’ve picked up another overhyped, plotless viral book without reading a single review because some girl on BookTok screamed about the one (1) good smut scene?
Yeah… that’s me, hi🖤
I don’t read synopses. I don’t check reviews. I run headfirst into disappointment and then lose my mind online like Why would anyone write this??
aaand…. isn’t that so much fun? plus it fuels so much of my content and storytelling.
At this point, you gotta embrace that you are *truly* the problem. heck, my Ao3 fanfic summary would read something like:
Title: Reading’s The Death of Peace Of Mind
Rating: Explicit
Summary:
Rachel swore she was done with viral books that make her scream into the abyss. And yet, here she is again, tangled in tropes she lowkey hates, making silly little videos through the pain, realizing that maybe the real enemy was her taste in books all along. Featuring: hot mess monologues, unapologetic flaws, plus a side quest where she becomes the disaster she always rooted for.
Tags: try-not-to-dnf challenge, slow burn (her own self-esteem), angst with a happy-ish ending?, flirting with doom, author insert but make it meta, pining/betrayal, second-hand embarrassment (LOTS of it)
Why We Love Reading The Mess
Here’s the thing: from an author’s perspective, there’s no plan. I sit down to write and characters pour out making terrible decisions with no roadmap. They say awful things and do even worse ones. and I let them.
I’ve written characters I don’t even like (hey, Isolde from Lavender Bay I respect you, but I would not hang out with you). Writing her, and Jake, and Asher, taught me I can’t root for my fictional disasters while hating my own. That would make me a hypocrite.
And I’m many things.
But not that.
The more I write, the more I have to make peace with my own decisions, especially the ones people on the outside don’t get. Like cutting people off. Like walking away when it doesn’t make sense to anyone but me.
Because life is rarely clean-cut, and neither are our stories.
I think that’s why we love messy protagonists.
Not so much because they’re funny. because they remind us that life isn’t chess, we don’t always think five steps ahead. Sometimes we just flail and hope we don’t drown. Sometimes we swallow a bit of seawater. Sometimes we hurt people.
And the most comforting part:
You get to keep going anyway.
A Word for the Side Characters
If you feel like a side character in your own life, here’s the shred of wisdom I can impart:
Nobody is going to root for you but you.
Think about how much time you spend worrying about yourself/your mistakes vs how much you spend thinking about other people’s.
most people are just as locked in their own mental breakdowns as you are in yours. Nobody is dedicating that much time to what you’re up to. Remember that. USE IT.
move cities. quit your job. start that weird hobby. flirt with the stranger.
Memento mori, hun.
You’re gonna die.
The people you think are judging you? They’re gonna die too.
Might as well live in a way where you don’t meet the end thinking “Damn, I wish I’d been braver”
Five Seconds Of Honesty?
The reason I’m telling you this is because I overthink. I over-apologize. I ruminate until I have to hide under my desk whispering inaudible mantras (sorry, TMI?) I suck at socializing and accidentally sound like I’m flirting when I’m just excited about a topic.
It’s a hot mess.
But my flaws make me a better storyteller.
My flaws bleed to my characters. They make the plot interesting. Hell, they make my own life 1000% more vibrant than if I had it all together.
I wouldn’t trade that for anything. And neither should you.
Speaking of hot messes, I feel like today’s newsletter was a bit of a brain dump but I want to hear from you. Seriously.
What kind of posts or rants do you want more of?
comment or hit reply. this space is ours to build together
Until next time,
𓂃🖋 Rachel
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